The Starting of Staying Alone…..

When the person whom you love the most plans or ultimately goes to her native leaving you alone for so many days then the day becomes year, hour a month and minutes a day. The most painful part is, if you even feel like calling or talking to her, you can’t as she is in her home with her parent’s who may get offended. Also if you think that ok in front of parent’s we will talk in such a way that no one can figure out anything then also that’s not possible.

The moment of staying alone started on 30^th Nov when it was planned that she will go to her parent’s home for a visit and to celebrate diwali there. Starting it was like I was very strong and thought staying away will not be an issue as it’s a matter of fact of just 10 days, but seriously telling the pain or the feeling of staying away from her came to me as a big slap on my face when she started off for her trip. I started to feel the 10 days as 10 years.

First it was I tried to comfort me by telling (believe me I didn’t thought but told myself loudly) that it is just a small flight journey which will end within few hours and then again we can talk but the pain of missing got intense when I came to my home and found myself all alone. At last her flight journey came to an end and she landed safely I am relieved now that she reached to her first destination safely. Believe me she is still a kiddo and the matter of seriousness in her is very less. Yes this is a big issue but I don’t know why but I like this trait of her very much. And due to her this trait she forgot to call me as she was very excited with her first trip by flight J. I called her up after few minutes there was little anger within me but that got overcome by the love and amount of pain of missing her. The whole day passed by and every single minute I felt like a day. At 5:00 she needed to board a bus to reach to her home. She boarded and this time she remembered to call me up J. During our conversation I found out that she got cough and cold due to the change in weather. Believe me it was like a big hit to me and I got very sad as she was ill L. Finally she reached her home safely at around 10:00 and I was very relieved.

Day 2 – The day is a very normal day for both of us. I woke up early and came to office. The level of missing her got more and more intense when I found she was not there in her cubicle. Normally I go to her cubicle only when she ping me for some help but today it was very different. It was like I was looking for her in her cubicle. Even a time came when I thought that she may went to washroom and will be back soon. We talked 2 times today in office. For the first time she went to balcony to talk with me but was not able to talk as some1 came there and second time she went to terrace to talk but due to the intense heat of sun I only avoid talking with her as I didn’t wanted her to stay out in Sun for long. Later in evening she went out with her bro for some sis bro time out. At night we talked but it was for very less duration as she was feeling very sleepy.

Day 3 – Another day of missing her and the worst part I am not having office today, so I can’t even pile myself with work so that I can reduce the pain of missing her. From morning we were chatting now and then either in FB or WeChat(I think we are the only 2 person who uses this app leaving the ppl who are been paid to use this app in advertisement). From morning she planned to visit parlor but due to her 2^nd lovable trait I mean I love this trait of her (in bengali it is called as lyadh khawa) she postponed it to evening. The complete day I missed her a lot and thought I will not allow her to know how much I am missing her.  But as I don’t hide anything from her so this also came out and she came to know about it. I know that she may not remember anything but believe me I remember each and everything related to her.

Day 4 – Today is Saturday again no office. But today I was very happy as she planned to go out with her mom for shopping and she planned to meet up with her best buddies. I thought of how to kill time then it came up I need to go out to buy crackers. So talked with her in morning when she started in a hurry with her mom for shopping and I also went to buy crackers. I returned back around 4 and found that there was no message or call from her side. I messaged her and came to know that she also returned at 4 only talked for a while and she told that she is going to get ready for her evening plans. I never stopped her from doing anything or never asked for extra time so today also didn’t asked but it is my bad luck that she didn’t figured out how much I was missing her. Before leaving she again called me up, was very happy to hear her voice. We dropped the call early as she reached to their meeting place. Again called her up one more time to disturb her but it was bcoz I was worried about her but I think she took in a different way L. At last at night we talked for 2 hrs and I don’t know how she felt like but for me it was like all my tiredness went away.

Day 5 – Sunday another day at home without her L. Today is a tough day for me as today is diwali and she is not with me to celebrate this auspicious day. She was full on plans movie with Bro then adda with old buddies. Full day was normal for us except the moment when I called her up at around 8:00PM unable to control my emotions for her and the limit of her emptiness. She picked up the call and told me talk after 5min which she was doing from much time due to her trait No 1 (no Seriousness and unable to figure out my emotions). But I did a mistake and called her up again which made her angry to limits and built fear in me. She talked very harshly but it is ok for me as this much happens in every relationship. After that we talked and believe me when I listened her soothing voice again I felt very freshen up and enjoyed with my frnds over here.

Day 6 – Believe me today I woke up early and was continuously trying to figure out ways in which I will feel less pain and how can I overcome the pain of missing you but today something different happened. When I was starting for office I got your good morning reply through FB ping with a lot of love. I was like rejoiced on getting the ping and so I delayed going to office by 30 min and talked with you. After that we were unable to talk as for me no Net connection and for you it was like your mom is there so we can’t talk through call. But truly saying when we talked at last at the time you started for concert I felt rejoiced and all my pain went away. You came back early from the concert and then we stared chatting and I don’t know why I scolded you as I found negligence from your side for me. I am really Sorry for that as I never want to scold my princess. Late night after dinner we talked for more than 1 hr and I felt rejoiced.

Day 7 – The auspicious occasion (Bhai Fota) for which I didn’t stopped you from going to your home before me. My cold and cough went to an extreme level and I got fever today morning. I woke up early and found that I am unable to move and everything is moving here and there. Then also like always sent you good morning message in FB, WeChat and through text. After that I closed my eyes and dreamt about you. When finally I woke up it was 10:00AM. I hurried to check my ipod and mobile and found you replied in FB. Didn’t wanted to miss any conversation so without thinking much replied back and u asked to call you I was totally rejoiced and my fever went away. In the call you asked me to stay back in home and told that u will accompany me full day. Let’s see how much that will be possible J. Seriously I can’t express my level of joy. It was like full day and night we talked and u didn’t allow me to feel like you are away in your home.

Day 8 – We again talked today morning as no one was there in your home and seriously telling I was feeling bad as I needed to go to my office and you will be alone in your home. May be FB and whatsapp will circumfuse your boredom but was not really ready to leave you alone. I reached office and talked a little then came to know that your mom returned. I was little disheartened for the fact as now I will not be able to talk much with you but was happy also as you can enjoy with your mom now. You called up at evening we talked and I was relaxed and was very happy. But today night something wrong happened. Instead of you telling me that you will talk after sometime I continuously poked you and bothered you to talk with me and finally it went to a level which irritated you. After that we talked but I felt very guilty for making you angry. I can still feel the guilt and that’s why want to repent now also.

Day 9 – Today morning it was like I woke up and checked my iPod to check if you pinged. Ultimately I pinged you to wish my princess morning and waited you to wake up and reply. The wait was long but ultimately got your ping. Talked for some time and then went o office. Today whole morning and afternoon we talked via SMS but no call was little sad about the fact but accepted it as it was like day after tomorrow you will be returning back to me. Evening you called up but when I heard your voice found out that something was wrong and you are disturbed talked little and then I needed to drop as you had some plans with your frnds. But ultimately came to know that you are going out with your mom for making glasses. I returned back in a hurry so that I can chat through FB and then came to know you will be leaving again with your dad. J Finally the worst part happened the fact which disturbed you was going to start in few minutes. I was very worried as I didn’t want you to face it but was not able to help out from such a long distances also. I called you up so that I can get to know whats happening there but the topic which we choose to have our conversation was office work. Ultimately when everything slowed down a little u dropped the call and came in FB ping. We chatted again for long but today I was not able to hear my princess sleeping.

Day 10 – Yaayyyy tomorrow you are returning back to me. Today it was a great start of a day as you pinged and asked to call you it was like the ultimate peace. I called up and we planned your whole day activity but before we can finish I needed to drop the call as you mom came back from her bath. It was a short call but very much refreshing for me. After I went to Office I was pretty sure that today I will not be able to talk with you due to your busy schedule but I was very surprised when u called up in late afternoon. It was like for the first time u choose me from your sleep was very excited. At evening you went to buy sweets for us and then again we discussed on which sweet need to be taken and not. Finally when I came back home I called up and helped you in packing your stuffs it was amazing I started to feel like that you are by my side. You need to wake up at 3:30 AM tomorrow morning so I was more concerned and wanted you to sleep but as today is your last day in home so you were having fun with your family which was normal. Finally you slept around 12:10AM and I again started missing you a lot.

What Happened Last Night - Fake Smile

Happened and Last Night are a very deadly combination of words but be sure nothing as such happened. Its like something happened inside me which have torn me apart. It felt like the whole night I was the most happiest person and at the time to sleep I only realized that the moment which I was thinking that I am happy actually are the moment which was making me more and more sad and killing me from inside.

Actually all this started few weeks back when a new girl joined My project. At first it was like I will maintain distance from her as much as possible which I am still doing but then also I don't know what is the force which is telling me to go more close to her. 

The only reason for which I want to be far away from her so that I don't again come down to this business of Love, Mohabbat as there is a possibility that I will again hurt myself .

When I have already mentioned that I don't want to hurt myself more then it will be better if I give a gist of what happened with me in Past. I as always use to be a very normal person with a very weak heart. Weak in the sense that I get hurt very soon. Due to this problem of mine I always avoid this love business becoz I never wanted to get hurt to such extreme level that I can't recover back.

But as normally every1 says that u need to get hurt so that happened with me when I was in college. I was in 4th year i.e final year of my college. It was a very normal day when I returned back from college and was getting ready to have my dinner. Then suddenly a call came in my Mobile from an unknown number which I felt like I know very well. I received the call and heard a very sweet voice greeting me Hello. For a moment it felt like who the hell is she calling me so late in night but then I realized it is one of my very good friend whose number I have deleted from my mobile to maintain a distance from her after a fight. With hesitation I spoke with her that night and the call went on for hours. It was like she opted for higher studies but was not prepared for it. So that night I convinced her that may be what ever is the reason I will help her to complete her higher studies.

Our friendship returned back to normal track after such a long time and I forgot every fight which I had with her. I started talking with her more and more 1 hour became 2 and then it continuously increased. The days passed by and I felt like I need to talk more with her and the exact thing I did. I also felt that she started liking me and she started to message me every now and then to know what am I doing. All this went on for months and I came close to her. Its like I bunked the classes so that we both can go out for a ride. I didn't knew that whether this affected my studies or not but I was sure that I was able to help her out in her higher studies. 

All this went for months and I completed by BTech degree and joined a small private organization due to the effect of recessation. After joining the company for few months I felt like the duration for which we use to talk was getting reduced and she was also trying to avoid me in many circumstances. Previously it was like she had fun telling me everything which she did that day but now it was like she will speak out few things and on asking her more she will speak out that also with the word "Why U want to know everything". 

It started hurting me and I was not able to concentrate on my work. This all went for few months and then I came to know that now she was having a group of friends in college. Even it was like she will speak with them till late in night which she use to do with me. I was unable to take the pain so I stopped talking with her and started ignoring her again. At this point of time the most deadly thing which happened with me was like there were no person(friends, family or anyone) with whom I can share my pain and more even I had very less work in office but I needed to stay in Office to complete my office timings.

This all went for months and i felt like something was killing me from deep inside. The pain was unbearable for me. The day when my pain reached to the extreme suddenly that day I again received a call from her where I found she was sobbing due to her exam and project tension. I don't know what happened but I forgot my pain and told her that I will help her in everyways possible. 

The fact was very true that I was hurt and broken from inside but then also for me at that point of time she meant all. I again started to talk with her normally with caution that I will not ask her anything personal. But then also by mistake I did the same mistake and I started inquiring about her personal Life. For few days she reacted normally and told everything but then again the same happened and She started talking weird. It was like some other force was driving her. Then also I completed her project and even gave her coaching on her subject. The fun part was me being a BTech holder was giving coaching to a MBA student. 

She received good marks in her exam but then in the duration I was always trying to escape from that place as it felt like the only way for me to be in peace was if and only if I escape from that place. And finally that day came her exam got over and I took the final decision and ran away from that place as our relationship went to hell and tasted like dirt.  

After that it was normal I ran away from the company without informing them so I was not having any job. I tried for few months in different job sites and finally got placed in one of the MNCs. It was like my life came in track and I was in peace. The peace lasted for 1 year or so when I again fell for a girl in office. Again I got ditched from her the main reason was bcoz she was from a different region. I cried for days then ultimately decided to be away from girls.

During this span of 1.5 year I made a decision of saying no to girls but like masti people in my project started to tease with many girls and I also took everything very lightly. Until 2 weeks back when this lady joined My Project. 

Its like more I try to stay away from her more I get attracted. The more I try to avoid my heart compels me to talk with her. From last 2 weeks its like I am having this pain in my heart that there may be a chance when I can get a denial from her but then also I don't know why I am trying to talk with her more and more. The more I talked with her I am receiving the smile in my face but in the other instance the Smile is getting evaporated with the Feeling that this smile of mine may be a FAKE SMILE which may hurt me more in future.

I Don't know what should I do As I am really very confused(due to this infatuation) but yes its true that if she is my ray of hope and if she is the person who can lift away this blanket of darkness surrounding me then I will consider myself the most happiest and blessed person. But its true that I don't have the courage to propose her and take away 1 more denial. 

Fake Smile and Why?

Fake Smile - A term which directly tells that this are words from the diary of a Frustrated Person. May be that's true to some level but now completely true also. Its little bit complicated.

This blog as a whole will be more about my own life, the pain which I felt, felling and will feel I don't know till what time.

I have never written any blogs till date or was neither even interested in writing any. But today was a very different day. The power which forced me or compelled me to start writing blogs are few heart touching songs which seriously made me feel that the smile which I had on my face last night till 4:30 AM and again today morning after waking up from sleep are really true or fake.

Pain as I may say is part of my life(I know that most of the people say like that) but like every other person get a relief or a ray of hope after sometime of darkness in there life I didn't received any till date. Its like I always have the belief that may be tomorrow is the day which will bring hope in my life but that tomorrow didn't came till now.

Frustu - This have became one of my name. The term which I always tried to avoid is now part of my life and my best friend. The darkness which came into my life is like in no mood of leaving me till I give up my life.

Now what is this Fake Smile all about. Its about the smile which I have in my face from the moment I wake up till the time I go to sleep. Yes I am a very jolly person and always like to see other's smile but in this daily routine of giving other's a smile I have lost my own true smile. Today I wear a smile in my face with lots of pain in my heart. Even time comes when by seeing a person or talking with a person I smile from my heart but on the very next moment the smile converts to a fake smile with a deep pain in heart that the same person may never accept me or neither she will stay in my life the way she is now.

Yes I know that many will say the same proverb that "ladki bus ki tarah hoti hai ek jaigi toh dusri aayegi". But the problem is that not all bus will go to the same destination and neither you will be in a mood to board all the buses. 

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I don't know to how many people my letters will reach. But if any1 of you are really interested to know more about my life and help me out then Please check on my Next Blog - "What Happened Last Night - Fake Smile". The reason why I am not mentioning everything here becoz I don't want to trouble those who are not interested.