Happened and Last Night are a very deadly combination of words but be sure nothing as such happened. Its like something happened inside me which have torn me apart. It felt like the whole night I was the most happiest person and at the time to sleep I only realized that the moment which I was thinking that I am happy actually are the moment which was making me more and more sad and killing me from inside.
Actually all this started few weeks back when a new girl joined My project. At first it was like I will maintain distance from her as much as possible which I am still doing but then also I don't know what is the force which is telling me to go more close to her.
The only reason for which I want to be far away from her so that I don't again come down to this business of Love, Mohabbat as there is a possibility that I will again hurt myself .
When I have already mentioned that I don't want to hurt myself more then it will be better if I give a gist of what happened with me in Past. I as always use to be a very normal person with a very weak heart. Weak in the sense that I get hurt very soon. Due to this problem of mine I always avoid this love business becoz I never wanted to get hurt to such extreme level that I can't recover back.
But as normally every1 says that u need to get hurt so that happened with me when I was in college. I was in 4th year i.e final year of my college. It was a very normal day when I returned back from college and was getting ready to have my dinner. Then suddenly a call came in my Mobile from an unknown number which I felt like I know very well. I received the call and heard a very sweet voice greeting me Hello. For a moment it felt like who the hell is she calling me so late in night but then I realized it is one of my very good friend whose number I have deleted from my mobile to maintain a distance from her after a fight. With hesitation I spoke with her that night and the call went on for hours. It was like she opted for higher studies but was not prepared for it. So that night I convinced her that may be what ever is the reason I will help her to complete her higher studies.
Our friendship returned back to normal track after such a long time and I forgot every fight which I had with her. I started talking with her more and more 1 hour became 2 and then it continuously increased. The days passed by and I felt like I need to talk more with her and the exact thing I did. I also felt that she started liking me and she started to message me every now and then to know what am I doing. All this went on for months and I came close to her. Its like I bunked the classes so that we both can go out for a ride. I didn't knew that whether this affected my studies or not but I was sure that I was able to help her out in her higher studies.
All this went for months and I completed by BTech degree and joined a small private organization due to the effect of recessation. After joining the company for few months I felt like the duration for which we use to talk was getting reduced and she was also trying to avoid me in many circumstances. Previously it was like she had fun telling me everything which she did that day but now it was like she will speak out few things and on asking her more she will speak out that also with the word "Why U want to know everything".
It started hurting me and I was not able to concentrate on my work. This all went for few months and then I came to know that now she was having a group of friends in college. Even it was like she will speak with them till late in night which she use to do with me. I was unable to take the pain so I stopped talking with her and started ignoring her again. At this point of time the most deadly thing which happened with me was like there were no person(friends, family or anyone) with whom I can share my pain and more even I had very less work in office but I needed to stay in Office to complete my office timings.
This all went for months and i felt like something was killing me from deep inside. The pain was unbearable for me. The day when my pain reached to the extreme suddenly that day I again received a call from her where I found she was sobbing due to her exam and project tension. I don't know what happened but I forgot my pain and told her that I will help her in everyways possible.
The fact was very true that I was hurt and broken from inside but then also for me at that point of time she meant all. I again started to talk with her normally with caution that I will not ask her anything personal. But then also by mistake I did the same mistake and I started inquiring about her personal Life. For few days she reacted normally and told everything but then again the same happened and She started talking weird. It was like some other force was driving her. Then also I completed her project and even gave her coaching on her subject. The fun part was me being a BTech holder was giving coaching to a MBA student.
She received good marks in her exam but then in the duration I was always trying to escape from that place as it felt like the only way for me to be in peace was if and only if I escape from that place. And finally that day came her exam got over and I took the final decision and ran away from that place as our relationship went to hell and tasted like dirt.
After that it was normal I ran away from the company without informing them so I was not having any job. I tried for few months in different job sites and finally got placed in one of the MNCs. It was like my life came in track and I was in peace. The peace lasted for 1 year or so when I again fell for a girl in office. Again I got ditched from her the main reason was bcoz she was from a different region. I cried for days then ultimately decided to be away from girls.
During this span of 1.5 year I made a decision of saying no to girls but like masti people in my project started to tease with many girls and I also took everything very lightly. Until 2 weeks back when this lady joined My Project.
Its like more I try to stay away from her more I get attracted. The more I try to avoid my heart compels me to talk with her. From last 2 weeks its like I am having this pain in my heart that there may be a chance when I can get a denial from her but then also I don't know why I am trying to talk with her more and more. The more I talked with her I am receiving the smile in my face but in the other instance the Smile is getting evaporated with the Feeling that this smile of mine may be a FAKE SMILE which may hurt me more in future.
I Don't know what should I do As I am really very confused(due to this infatuation) but yes its true that if she is my ray of hope and if she is the person who can lift away this blanket of darkness surrounding me then I will consider myself the most happiest and blessed person. But its true that I don't have the courage to propose her and take away 1 more denial.
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